We were in Maggie Valley for a long weekend—a much-needed and deserved respite at the tail end of our business’s busy season amid prepping it for new ownership and downsizing our home as we get ready to travel full-time with our Airstream. And we were treating ourselves to an authentic Italian meal at Frankie’s, a popular must-do in this beautiful mountain town.

Seated in the lounge area with a baby grand piano not far from us, a pianist was tickling the ivory with relaxing, unfamiliar melodies as I enjoyed a glass of pinot grigio and fresh bruschetta piled high on made-from-scratch flatbread. When our salads were served, the musician began a new song, and soon my face was contorting, struggling to hold back a torrent of tears. I wanted to run to the restroom to have a good cry, but I would have had to pass through the entire crowded restaurant. So, I just sat there, pouring my attention and energy into my salad, hoping guests at nearby tables didn’t notice the droplets streaming down my face.

Lately, I’ve been thinking of my next 30-40 years—those last few decades that will close out this lifetime before pursuing the next. The recent passing of a mentor and professor of mine had me thinking about a specific avenue, developing and leading online classes for a university that has a Transpersonal Psychology program. After all, I have a master’s degree in it, I’m particularly fond of the various topics that feed into Transpersonal Psychology, and I was specifically influenced by my mentor and teacher through this program. As I looked into it, though, I would either need to become an expert of one particular topic, being a leader in that field, or I would need to get a PhD to even be considered, which in and of itself requires a certain level of mastery of a particular topic in order to write and defend a dissertation. I’m not sure I have that in me right now.

You see, I’m easily a “Jack of All Trades, Master of None” kind of gal, and it occurs to me that I might not want to be a master or an expert of one particular topic or task or skill.

Human. Female. Daughter. Cousin. Sister. Friend. Student. Feminine. Co-worker. Feminist. Liberal. Democrat. Wife. Mother. Publisher. Writer.

I am who I am before I am anything else.

I am a divine spark of All That Is. I am an energetic strand of the universal flow of consciousness.

The past few days have been an interesting foray in self reflection. First, I was left with a bad feeling after a pot luck gathering at my house. I felt like I had done something wrong that made a couple of people leave early. I dwelled on that for days—I still am, as a matter of fact, 6 days later, although the feelings aren’t as intense today as they were the day after. Then I felt sad, hurt, and left out from an event that I clearly wasn’t invited to but knew was occurring at a neighbor’s house. Of course, I thought I had done something wrong and am still wondering why I wasn’t included.

Then a flicker of realization occurred yesterday. I was introducing myself to a new acupuncturist, and I told her that I had published Innerchange magazine many years ago. She indicated that the name sounded a little familiar, but that was all she said about it. Initially, I wondered why it didn’t seem MORE familiar to her—where were the raves about it and exclamation of missing it— and then it hit me that it has been 11 years since I stopped publishing it, and the actual magazine itself hasn’t been in print for over 8 years. It is obviously still VERY REAL to me because it absorbed so much of my time and energy for over a decade, but how many of us truly remember magazines we picked up and perused 8-10 years ago? The magazine was personal to me on so many levels—a passion, a purpose, a success, a failure, etc. But it is clearer to me now, more than before, that it is time for me to let Innerchange go and move on.

“…you, in the very immediateness of your present awareness, are in fact the entire world,
in all its frost and fever, in all its glories and its grace, in all its triumphs and its tears.
You do not see the sun, you are the sun; you do not hear the rain, you are the rain;
you do not feel the earth, you are the earth.” ~ Ken Wilber, A Spirituality that Transforms (2006)

Our innate urge to transform and evolve comes from the moment we were created, in the image and likeness of God, to serve—as one of Edgar Cayce’s readings stated—as co-creators and companions of God. Even Ken Wilber acknowledges an inner drive: “…there is a fundamental Eros to the universe, a drive to reach higher, deeper, and further…” (deVos, 2008).  And, as is the beauty of our universe, transformation and evolution take on different meanings across scientific disciplines, religions, and cultures. One scientific discipline’s metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly is another’s from fossil fuel power to solar power. One culture’s strength in new-found democracy is another culture’s strength in centuries-old traditions. One person’s accepting Christ into his/her heart for eternal life is another person’s awakening to the unity of all life.